The process of an ever-expanding bookcase is vital to our growth and development. Difficult life experiences, however, can create shelves that are rigid, entrenched and not easily compromised. Because of pain, fear, trauma, discomfort, hurt, and other powerful experiences, it is easy for couples to default to a few shelves upon which they categorize their experiences; halting the ever-expanding bookcase. This process can become particularly difficult for couples. A women begins to engage in intimacy with her new husband only to find herself haunted by shame and self-loathing - a bookshelf that developed out of previous mistreatment labeling all acts of intimacy as shameful, dirty and disgusting. Or a remarried man may find himself constantly jealous, controlling and paranoid due to painful scars of infidelity lingering from his previous marriage - a bookshelf upon which all committed relationships thereafter are placed for safekeeping. Or a woman finding herself anxious at the thought of bearing children due to the terrible illness she witnessed as a young child in her mother's suffering following childbearing complications - creating in this grown woman a shelf of suffering upon which the thought of bearing children is placed.
If left unattended and subconscious, these shelves often become increasingly entrenched and encompassing. A spiral of self-fulfilling prophecy can ensue wherein experiences with one's partner are automatically placed upon these one or two shelves, regardless of the objective reality of the interplay. This process often leaves the partner feeling constantly misunderstood, misrepresented and powerless - producing resentment and hopelessness for both parties.
There is a way out for couples or individuals who find themselves in this destructive spiral. It begins with the exploration of this subtle and often unconscious processes - uncovering and discovering the meaning of the shelves we have added to our bookcase. Next is a process of honoring and validating the good reasons for the existence of our current shelves, while purposefully creating new and alternative shelves upon which life experiences can be placed. Finally is a process of intentional maintenance to ensure the continuation of our newly developed shelves - providing space for lasting fulfillment once again.
If you have resonated with this article and desire assistance in this renewal process, don't hesitate another day. Help is available. Let's get started!
Article By: Nevin Alderman: Owner/Clinical Director - Renew Relationship Counseling
Specializing in: Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Family Therapy, Marriage Workshops, Marriage Retreats, Premarital Counseling, Marriage Therapy and Relationship Coaching.
To learn more, visit:
www.facebook.com/RenewRelationshipCounseling