Partner #1
- Share your apology with personal accountability: (e.g., “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair of me to hang up on you.”)
- Share your experience & express your needs using a similar format to the following example: (e.g., “I feel hurt about the way you raised your voice because it feels like I am worthless to you. Next time please don’t raise your voice.”)
- Listen to understand your partner. Attempt to experience what they experienced, from their perspective. Validate their experience: (e.g., “That would really hurt to feel like you were worthless to me.”)
- State what your partner means to you: (e.g., “I love you, you’re my all… I don’t mean to hurt you.”)
- Now switch, and let Partner #2 begin with their apology followed by sharing their experience/needs while Partner #1 listens to understand, validates, and expresses what their partner means to them. Repeat this pattern until both partners understand one another and closeness has been restored.
- Always end with a shared understanding of how to help both partners meet their needs. When a couple is successful at this, we call it a Win-Win (e.g., “Partner #1 agrees to work on not hanging up on Partner #2, and Partner #2 agrees to work on not raising his/her voice at Partner #1).
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