Everything we encounter in our world is perceived and understood with our brain. The brain decodes our senses and helps us interpret our experiences. Because our mind is wired for efficiency, the brain often recognizes key components of previously perceived items, and quickly fills-in all old details so that focus can be placed upon new information. For example, during your first commute to a new job you will notice many more details along the drive than you likely will during your 50th or 100th commute. While you will still likely notice one or two new items each time you travel the route, the amount of new information you perceive will be vastly less than your first commute. This reduced perceiving is not because there is less items to be perceived, but rather because the brain has already recorded most of the information to be perceived during previous commutes. Therefore, the brain skims past old items (e.g. landscape, businesses, signs, intersections, etc.) and focuses instead on new or more important information. That is why you will be able to multitask much more during a 20th commute than a first commute. It’s not that there is less total information to perceive on your commute, it’s just that your mind quickly auto-completes old information so that new information can have a majority of the bandwidth. Because the neural pathways associated with your commute have been traveled hundreds of times, the commute requires very little conscious thought. It’s almost as if the brain is on autopilot. That is why in everyday living we don’t have to stop and study each tree we pass by to determine that it is a tree - the mind quickly and efficiently recognizes and categorizes it in an instant based upon previous perceptions. This neural pathway travel happens so quickly that noticing a tree during a commute likely won’t even make it into conscious thought.
Often, our minds will recreate the same perceived scenario and meaning for a particular event each time we experience a similar event in the future. When this occurs, the brain is perceiving one or two details that seem like a past experience and uses those details to send the current experience down the same neural pathway as a previous experience. The more a neural pathway is traveled, the more likely that pathway is to be traveled in the future; sometimes forming a superhighway for information travel.
Let’s relate this concept to perceptions about ourselves or within our relationships. As an example, let's use the same couple from our article entitled, “Perception.” You’ll remember that a husband returns home at the end of the day and experiences his wife’s seeming cold-shoulder. Because the husband concluded during his first encounter with his wife’s cold-shoulder that his wife was not interested in being close or connected to him, each time he interacts with his wife from that point forward wherein she seems distant, cold, disinterested or otherwise preoccupied, his mind will likely efficiently (but possibly inaccurately) send that interaction down the same neural pathway as the first. This same neural pathway will be traveled repeatedly until the husband is fully convinced that his wife does not love him. In learning about the husband’s conclusion, the wife will likely be very confused by his conclusion because “not loving him” hasn’t ever been her reality in any of these scenarios. For her, one day she was distant because of work-related stress, another day was rooted in her frustration with their children, another day was financial stress, and so forth. However, in the husband’s experience, each episode of distance and disconnect was absolute evidence of his wife’s lack of love for him. It’s not that his experience was more true, but rather more traveled - creating for the husband a stockpile of experiences as placeholders for the idea that his wife doesn’t love him. This is why when his wife is adamant that she does love him, he has such a hard time believing her, using his perceived examples as overwhelming proof for her lack of invested love.
At this point you are likely beginning to understand why healing perceptions is at the heart of lasting individual and relational healing. Without becoming aware of the neural pathways needing to be evaluated, individuals and couples can unwittingly create for themselves a reality that is not fully informed or complete, with consequential outcomes as if the hurtful perceptions were 100% accurate. This can be destructive in a relationship and equally devastating to an individual's self-concept and esteem. So, the next time you find yourself dealing with difficult personal or relational concerns ask yourself, is my experience more true, or more traveled? We are here to help you sort it out if needed.
For more information, visit our website, at: www.RenewRelationshipCounseling.com
Author: Nevin G. Alderman, Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor & Relationship Specialist, Renew Relationship Counseling
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