Let’s begin with women. As a generalization, women find their greatest fulfillment in intimate relationships through the nurture they receive which results in feelings of being cherished. This nurture can take many forms, though examples can include: frequent loving embrace, glances of endearment, spontaneous assistance with day-to-day tasks, a thoughtful gift, soft back-rubs or the running of fingers through her hair, taking interest in her inner thoughts, tender kisses, and so forth. While each woman is unique, the theme is widely applicable - Women need to be nurtured and cherished.
Men on the other hand, stereotypically find their greatest fulfillment in intimate relationships through the praise they receive, and feelings of being desired. This can take many forms, though examples can include: compliments about their appearance, notations of their contribution to the family or in the home, recognition for the talents they possess and the services they provide, the showing of interest in their projects or hobbies, statements of missing them when they are away, a slap on the behind with a playful wink, and the initiation of foreplay experiences. While every man is unique, the theme is widely applicable - Men need to be praised and desired.
In order for a loving connection to occur, he needs to feel desired and she needs to feel cherished. Or in other words, both long for loving connection, and both depend upon what the other has to offer to experience it. And, given that fulfilling intimacy is a byproduct of a loving connection, establishing and maintaining this loving connection in a marriage is vital.
With this information then, you can begin to see how intimacy becomes a struggle for many couples. As a husband becomes complacent in nurturing his wife, his wife begins to feel less and less cherished. While she still may desire her husband, this desire becomes diluted by the loneliness and distance that accompanies his complacency. If this loneliness and distance is prolonged by sustained complacency, it will breed hurt, sadness and resentment. As the wife experiences these feelings, they in return promote complacency in the wife’s efforts toward her husband; decreasing instances of praise and desire. Reduced praise and desire from his wife produces hurt, defensiveness and prideful apathy in the husband; festering more complacency... and so on. This destructive cycle is subtle at first, but if left unattended can become a major barricade in a couple’s relationship. It is also important to note that responsibility for this destructive cycle is equally shared, as both husband and wife are neglecting the needs of the other, and in a gridlocked fashion, waiting upon the other to re-initiate love.
So how can you avoid this cycle? It begins by the application of the principles just reviewed. A good portion of a man’s preoccupation with intimacy is often related to his need to feel desired; a climactic emotion during intimacy. And a major precursor to a woman's interest in intimacy is often a need to feel cherished. Therefore, if men will more consistently focus on nurturing their wives with frequent opportunities for her to feel cherished, her praise and desire for her husband will naturally increase. And similarly, if wives will focus more consistently on praising their husbands and promoting experiences that cause him to feel desired, his efforts to nurture and cherish his wife will naturally increase. It is in this manner a cycle of passionate and devoted connection is fostered. The result becomes a relationship wherein intimacy is a frequent and natural byproduct of a deeply fulfilling love.
Article By: Nevin Alderman: Owner/Clinical Director - Renew Relationship Counseling
815 W 450 S Suite #110 Springville, Utah 84663
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