In a pyramid diagram depicting stages of engagement in a typical relationship, Alderman ranked active as the highest form of engagement, followed by passive, complacent, drought and finally extinction.
Healthy relationships flow between active and passive engagement, which could include activities such as going on dates (active) or thinking about each other when you’re apart (passive), according to Alderman.
Trouble strikes when couples start to dip into complacent and drought stages where they become disengaged and critical, and put minimal effort into the relationship.
To illustrate the stages, Alderman invited couple Glen and Gina Tanner of Benjamin from the audience to stand inside of a large elastic band. As they moved farther and farther apart, moving from active to passive to complacent to drought, the tension on the elastic band grew.
When the Tanners reached the furthest distance apart that the elastic band would allow, Alderman invited another couple from the crowd to join the presentation.
In the extinction stage, Alderman said, partners will often find fulfillment in other things, such as friends, hobbies, pornography, substance abuse or infidelity.
Acting as “friends,” the second couple was then invited to pull the elastic band, showing the temporary relief these alternative fulfillment options offered. Yet when they let go, the Tanners weren’t any closer to reuniting or moving outside of the extinction stage.
Often it’s at this stage couples seek professional help, if they seek help at all, Alderman said. This can prove challenging because one or both partners usually feels like they’ve been surviving on bare minimum for so long, that they have nothing left to give. In these cases, Alderman said, couples might just seek help for the sake of saying “well, we tried.”
A sobering thought, couples around the room nodded their heads in acknowledgement.
The goal, then, is to stay in the active and passive stage, Alderman said.
To do so, couples were taught about the concept of a relationship bank account. Not to be seen as a way to keep score, the idea instead is to track on an individual level active and passive investments — also seen as relationship deposits and withdrawals.
For example, a deposit might be sharing a kiss, remembering to take out the trash, completing a honey-do item, listening to each other or helping out with the kids. An example of a withdrawal might be a sharp remark, a short temper, coming home late or forgetting to address a request.
While on their own, one deposit or one withdrawal might not be that great or that bad, but when piled together, they make a difference, Alderman said. The goal is to make five deposits for every withdrawal.
Couples were then given the assignment to make a deposit in that moment (most leaned over and kissed), and go home and make another deposit. Their next assignment was to make another deposit throughout the week, maintaining the five to one ratio, and then repeat the every week indefinitely.
“It offered a different way to look at relationships,” Gina said of the presentation. “I love the idea of the bank with the deposits and the withdrawals. It helps you evaluate, ‘What have I done for my spouse today?’ It was great information that helps you think of where you want to be and helps you recognize when you may need to seek help.”
Focusing on picking a partner, renewing love and revitalizing relationships, “What’s Love Got to Do With It” will be held at 7 p.m. on the third Wednesday of the month in February and March. The events are free and open to the public. For more information, visit www.springville.org/library.
Keri Lunt Stevens - Community & Business News - Daily Herald, Utah