1. Define Problematic Behavior - The first step is to explore the behavior or urge that you would like to
address. Define the behavior/urge in a detailed manner to provide yourself clarity and familiarity with the
nature of the behavior you are concerned about. Write down your definition.
2. Explore Your Triggers - Next, begin brainstorming triggers that are correlated with the behavior;
things that make the behavior more likely. Triggers may include: situations, specific people, environments,
certain emotions or feelings, things that you see or hear, times of day, or a variety of other
circumstances. List these triggers next to your definition of the problematic behavior.
3. Explore The "Good Reasons" For Your Problematic Behavior - This step is very important, as it
encourages you to identify the "good reasons" you engage in the problematic behavior and/or feel the urges you do. Sometimes a "good reason" is an escape from something troubling, such as using alcohol to numb serious stress or grief. Sometimes a "good reason" is an attempt to protect oneself from feelings of insecurity and hurt, such as a teenager lashing out at a parent from whom they feel distant or estranged. Sometimes a "good reason" is loneliness or poor self-esteem driving an individual into the arms of pornography or an affair to feel desired or cherished. While your "good reasons" are almost always destructive and rarely excusable, identifying them is extremely important as your "good reasons" perpetuate the problematic behaviors, drive loyalty and commitment to the problematic behaviors, and are used to justify the continuation of the problematic behaviors, even when they have become extremely detrimental.
4. Create A Hopeful Vision And Explore The "Best Reasons" - Next create a vision statement wherein you outline your life without the problematic behaviors. This may look something like: "I have a vision of my life free from alcoholism, where I am connected with people I love, find healing from my grief, and use healthy strategies to deal with my stress". After you have developed your vision statement, list your "best reasons" for making this vision a reality. This might include: being able to reconnect with important people, regaining feelings of dignity and self-confidence, having the opportunity to create meaningful and fulfilling relationships, the chance to pursue specific goals and aspirations, reclaiming peace and happiness, etc. These "best reasons" will begin to perpetuate the hopeful vision, drive loyalty and commitment to the hopeful vision, and are used to justify the continuation of the hopeful vision even when the road becomes extremely difficult and precarious. The "best reasons" are meant to trump the "good reasons", and may need to be explored further if you find your "good reasons" continuing to win out.
5. Skills & Resources Assessment - Now that you have a Hopeful Vision and are motivated by your "best reasons", it's time to assess your skills and resources to aid you in establishing your Hopeful Vision as a reality. First, list the skills and resources you have previously used successfully. Next, list the skills or resources that would be helpful for you to develop or access. Some skills include: mindfulness, meditation and relaxation techniques, emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills, thought refocusing strategies, interpersonal skills, self-esteem development, assertiveness skills, etc. Some resources include: mental health therapists, medical professionals, sponsorship programs, support groups, religious/spiritual organizations, supportive relationships, self-help books and other readings, coaches, etc.
6. Take Action: Implement "Best Reasons" & Safeguard Vulnerabilities -
- Implement "Best Reasons": It's been said that the best defense is a strong offense, and that is certainly the case here. Remember, there are "good reasons" for your problematic behavior, and thus far those "good reasons" have overridden all other reasons to change. However, you are now armed with an inventory of your "best reasons", and those "best reasons" need to be implemented asap. For example, if one of my "best reasons" is to regain my dignity and self-confidence, I need to begin waking up each morning and treating myself with dignity and self-confidence. This means good hygiene, clean and neat apparel, and a menu of worthy and dignified activities for me to engage in. If another of my "best reasons" is to reconnect with loved ones, I might begin by making an inventory of my relationship with someone meaningful and begin an accountability and repair process with that person. None of this will be easy, and most of this will require significant thought, planning, preparation and effort. However, you have the "best reasons" in your corner. Recognize when the "good reasons" attempt to argue with you, dispute the "good reasons" with the "best reasons", and then take action toward your Hopeful Vision.
- Safeguard Vulnerabilities: Earlier we outlined your triggers. When it comes to safeguarding vulnerabilities, being familiar with your triggers and creating plans of action for successfully navigating them are key. So, if you realize one of your triggers is being alone late at night, intentionally begin safeguarding that trigger. This might mean that you do a check-in with a support person each evening, or maybe commit yourself to a book or television series in the evenings as a distraction. Maybe you spend that time in spiritual practice, meditation, or engaged in a hobby. Remember to use the Skills and Resources inventory you created earlier in making these plans of action. Creating a safeguard plan for each of your triggers will be extremely important in protecting your vulnerabilities. Implement the skills and resources you already have, and begin pursuing and developing additional skills/resources.
7. Assess & Reassess - Now that you have your action plan in place, and you are actively working to create a change, assess and reassess your progress often. One way to do this is to use a piece of paper to create a behavioral analysis. On a piece of paper write the problematic behavior at the top of the page and
then draw a vertical line down the page to separate it into two sides. On the left side, you will list all of the triggers you can identify before, during, and following the episode with the problematic behavior. List these in chronological order, creating a detailed play-by-play of the event. Then, on the right side of the vertical line, list alternative thoughts, resources, skills, tools, behaviors, feelings, etc. that you can use the next time you encounter a similar scenario. As an example, if your problematic behavior was emotional eating, your behavioral analysis may look something like this:
Didn't wake up on time Skipped breakfast Rushing through the morning Had thought: "I can't do anything right" Felt anxious and panicky Stress headache and stiff neck/back Frantically looking for comfort food Found vending machine and purchased a pastry and two candy bars... ate them all Felt weak, guilty, ashamed Ate a few more things while upset | Practice Time Management Skills Keep a healthy snack in my bag Take a moment to breathe deeply Replace with: "My best is enough, I'm enough" Take deep breaths; reflect on hopeful vision Use progressive muscle relaxation and stretch Use mindfulness strategies to redirect thoughts Keep healthy snacks with me / use gum or a hard candy to curb uncontrolled cravings Tell myself: "I am doing my best, I am enough" Use mindfulness strategies and deep breathing |
8. Be Kind To Yourself - This is the last and most important step. Remember, the problematic behavior wasn't created in a day, and it generally takes a lot of time, effort, trial, error, and endurance to create a lasting change. Hang in there, keep working at it, and be kind to yourself along the way.
Article By: Nevin Alderman: Owner/Clinical Director - Renew Relationship Counseling
Specializing in: Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Family Therapy, Marriage Workshops, Marriage Retreats, Premarital Counseling, Marriage Therapy and Relationship Coaching.
To learn more, visit:
www.facebook.com/RenewRelationshipCounseling