What I wish all couples could better understand is the principle of perception. Perception deals with the thoughts that proceed the emotional injuries we experience in relationships. Using the above example of husband and wife, if we slow things down a bit we realize that the husband assigned meaning to his wife’s cold-shoulder before he felt hurt and irritated by the cold-shoulder. That meaning informed how he should feel about his interaction with her. Judging by how personally he seems to have taken the experience, it appears that the husband concluded that the cold-shoulder was a direct reflection of her feelings for him - as if to say that she doesn’t love him, isn’t excited to see him and has no interest in being close or connected to him. Given this context, it makes complete sense that the husband would feel hurt and irritated - In his mind, his wife just told him he was unwanted and unneeded. However, this type of pure rejection and disinterest is rarely the heart of the issue in marriage. Most often, the wife is experiencing some other stressor (e.g. difficulty with the children, work-related stress, financial concerns, a recent relational loss, etc.) that is driving some of the emotion she is experiencing, and the husband becomes exposed to the product of those concerns via what seems like a “cold-shoulder” interaction. Now in this case, because the husband is a pretty good guy, as soon as he becomes aware that the “cold-shoulder” was actually a display of his wife’s preoccupation and pain associated with her grief about losing a loved one, the husband almost immediately experiences his hurt and irritation shift to empathy and loving concern. So what changed that created such a stark emotional shift in the husband? His perception.
Learning the the role of perception in the art of mindful communication is vital to relational health and wellness. This skill alone would address the most prevalent issue tearing marriages apart today; perception-driven communication problems. To learn more about these principles, take a look at our videos entitled: “Our Lens” and “Healing the Heart of the Issue”. These videos, along with other helpful resources and articles, can also be found on our website, at: www.RenewRelationshipCounseling.com
Author: Nevin G. Alderman, Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor & Relationship Specialist, Renew Relationship Counseling
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