Reciprocal fulfillment is the most rewarding type of fulfillment. Reciprocal fulfillment is when each partner is spontaneously and selflessly invested in the fulfillment of the other, with minimal concern for ensuring their own enjoyment as their partner consistently has that covered! In this state of reciprocal fulfillment, the focus of both partners is centered upon the experience of the other, and in this manner neither partner goes without. Reciprocal fulfillment is very common in the beginning stages of a relationship, wherein both partners are typically focused on winning the love of the other. However, if a couple is not careful, reciprocal fulfillment can easily be replaced with fulfillment complacency, drought, and even extinction. Let me demonstrate using the Renew Fulfillment Model.
The second highest phase of fulfillment is passive fulfillment. Passive fulfillment is achieved when a couple is thoughtfully appreciating and considering their partner between times of active fulfillment. It is this thoughtful consideration of the partner that sparks fulfillment motivation and results in active fulfillment investments as often as opportunity permits. Healthy couples maintain a balance of active and passive fulfillment; wherein they actively invest in the fulfillment of their partner as often as opportunity allows, and are passively thoughtful and considerate of one another between fulfillment investments.
When a couple begins to neglect a focus on fulfillment, they enter complacency phase. When complacent, relational fulfillment quickly begins to suffer. Couples rarely intend to be complacent, and are often surprised how easily they become complacent in their relationship. Work, volunteer opportunities, children, hobbies, and other obligations or commitments can easily begin to pull the couple’s attention away from the relationship. Active fulfillment investments begin to fade into good intentions that never deliver, and passive consideration of the other becomes consumed with the busyness of life. Couples describe their relationship as mundane when they have spent time in complacent phase, and the loving exchanges quickly become replaced by criticism and defensiveness; fostering the beginnings of relational disconnect and injury. When a couple finds themselves stuck in complacency, with criticism and defensiveness becoming commonplace, this is the time to seek professional help to renew the relationship! There is so much that can be done at this phase to help a couple prevent injuries, maintain connection, and heighten fulfillment. Early intervention is key, and the chances of success are much more promising at this phase!
If a couple fails to recover their relationship from complacent phase, they will quickly enter into a fulfillment drought. Drought is exactly what it sounds like, a long absence from relational connection and fulfillment. This disengagement from fulfillment begins to replace the blissful enjoyment of the relationship with a feeling of contempt. Instead of a selfless focus on the experience of the other, each partner begins to become preoccupied with their own lack of fulfillment and unmet needs. In this state, it’s easy for each partner to begin to see the other as adversarial, with a “fend for yourself” approach to the relationship. Resources, like time, money, sleep, or access to hobbies and interests become a point of contention, with both partners focused on ensuring they secure a fair portion for themselves, and contempt with the other for perceived short-sightedness. In this state, a couple begins to see their partner’s needs as unrealistic, unimportant, or a burden. Due to the lack of fulfillment within the relationship, the couple begins to secure for themselves alternative sources of fulfillment outside of the relationship. Common examples of fulfillment alternatives include: drawing closer to other relationships, increasing time spent on hobbies or interests, further investing in career pursuits, becoming over involved in the parent-child relationship, and so forth. Disconnect increases, betrayal becomes increasingly likely, and relational injuries abound. It is extremely important that a couple not wait any longer, and renew their relationship immediately.
An extended drought in the relationship leads to fulfillment extinction. Couples commonly describe the extinction phase by the “flame has gone out” feeling in their relationship. The passion, interest, connection, motivation, longing, and friendship that once was seems like a distant memory. Stonewalling becomes prominent, which is a refusal of influence from one partner to the other. Fulfillment alternatives have often become secured, and the void in the relationship has become a deep chasm of hurt, loneliness, and resentment. The couple feels completely incompatible, and begins to wonder why they work to hold the relationship together. The relationship feels hopeless, taking the air out of motivation and commitment.
Sadly, the most common phase in which a couple begins to consider couples counseling is when they have spent significant time in drought phase, and have begun dipping into extinction. In this state, while there is still hope for renewing the relationship, the love, loyalty, commitment, fortitude, and endurance required for this recovery work is often in short supply. Reviving the relationship takes a significant amount of time, and healing the injuries becomes a formidable task. The complexities of the relational damage also require a level of sophistication difficult to find among therapeutic professionals. For these reasons, couples counseling often fails, and/or the couple decides the relationship is not worth the investment. The couple concludes that the simpler solution seems to be to cut losses, and start again in a new relationship. The problem with this thinking is that a couple will often carry the baggage of the failed relationship into their next, while allowing their ex-partner to shoulder a majority of the responsibility for the failed relationship. This limits the amount of personal growth achieved by each partner before attempting the next relationship, resulting in a high likelihood of repeated relational problems.
Renew Relationship Counseling is a premier provider specializing in relationship-focused services. We are on a mission to elevate the standard for relationship services. Our goal is to heighten the love, joy, and fulfillment experienced by couples. We do this using proprietary methods known as the Renew System. Our approach is dynamic and innovative; deepening the therapeutic experience and creating impact beyond the average service.
Written By: Nevin G. Alderman, MA, CMHC - Owner & Director, Renew Relationship Counseling
For more information about Renew Relationship Counseling, visit: www.RenewRelationshipCounseling.com
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