As we gain experience in life, events and relationships continually shape our lens. If we recognize that we only know "in part", we provide ourselves an opportunity to mold our lens, shape our meaning, and open ourselves to new ways of thinking/perceiving. It is in this state that we can “know even as also I am known”. However, if we become entrenched in deriving meaning only through our lens, we will harden and reinforce our lens to the point that there is no other message than our own that can be perceived.
These principles are especially vital to couples as they are working to renew their relationship. The relationship that exists between husband and wife has one of the greatest opportunities to influence our lens, for good or for ill. When interacting with your partner, consider that your view is "darkly", largely shaped by your lens. As you do this, you will realize that the argument that you had about the dirty dishes or the trash not being taken out has little to do with dishes or trash - it is much more enduring than that. It is the meaning of the dishes and the trash, interpreted through our lens, which drives the ensuing contemptuous argument. This creates a much more enduring barrier in the relationship, with a solution that is further reaching than simply finishing the dishes or taking out the trash.
The solution is threefold: 1.) The willingness for each partner to consider their lens – considering what has shaped their lens far beyond the current relationship, and the meaning that the lens is pulling into the current relational interaction, 2.) The willingness for both partner’s to begin practicing seeing clearly (face to face) in their relationship, versus through the lens (darkly), and 3.) The commitment of both partners to work to create shared meaning with one another - a new lens in the relationship focused clearly on the other with commitment to knitting hearts together.
If your relationship is in need of support in this process, please don’t wait any longer to get help. Support is available, and relationships can be revived, revitalized and reclaimed. Fulfillment in your relationship is a priceless investment. Renew your relationship today!
Nevin G. Alderman, MA, CMHC - Renew Relationship Counseling