Enmeshed: When someone becomes enmeshed (see model below), their lives are driven by reactivity to those with whom they are enmeshed. They become dependent and struggle with maintaining autonomy in stressful circumstances. They become consumed by the relationship and lose their own sense of self, often resulting in some loss of ability to attend to other important responsibilities (including their own needs). Independent thinking, feeling, acting, perceiving, and pursuing becomes daunting and almost impossible. Individual insecurity becomes commonplace, and relational reactivity leaves no room for mindful intention.
Disengaged: On the other side of the spectrum, a disengaged person has isolated themselves from the relationship to the point of spiritual, emotional and physical absence. This absence can take the form of becoming consumed in work or service duties, preoccupation with hobbies, engagement in alternative relationships, and/or otherwise becoming distant and disconnected. Where the enmeshed person loses the ability to act intentionally in the relationship due to loss of autonomy, anxious attachment and frantic over-involvement, the disengaged individual loses influence due to their absence, estrangement, and lack of involvement.
Both enmeshment and disengagement contribute to break-down in the family system, loss of healthy influence, and individual dysfunction. In this manner, efforts to respond to the crisis often lead to further perpetuation of such. Many families and couples describe this experience as an emotional roller-coaster that wreaks havoc on their relationship and in their personal lives.
Interdependence: The process of removing oneself and family system from this state of crisis reactivity requires the creation of appropriate space and boundaries in family relationships. This healthy middle point on the continuum between enmeshment and disengagement is the achievement of interdependence. When a couple or family achieves interdependence they value independence, growth, accountability and responsibility. Individual members are driven by an internal focus of control, and feel a sense of self-confidence and esteem. The family understands that it is healthy to provide and receive appropriate levels of guidance, support and structure and seeks after such. Family members are resilient to stress, remain flexible, and are rational and intentional in their relationships. Thus, a state of interdependence is the ultimate goal in thriving relationships.
Renew Relationship Counseling - Located in Springville, Utah
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Artist Reference: Alex Clare - "Too Close" https://youtu.be/zP50Ewh31E4