You see, traditional counseling often fails to consider a vital component when approaching couples and family issues, which is that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. In other words, this means that when approaching couples counseling, you have to consider not only his stuff and her stuff, but also the interplay of his and her stuff that makes “our stuff”. Nonsummativity is the academic word for this concept, and for many well-intentioned therapists, nonsummativity is non-existent in their approach.
So Why is this important?! Well, you see with any difficult problem, one of our first orders of business is to determine what is causing the problem. The way that most people, including well-intentioned therapists, go about identifying the problem to be addressed, is by using a linear line of thinking. Linear thinking can be great for problem solving issues effecting only one individual, however with couples it can be detrimental: For example, a husband is complaining of being irritated. As you learn more about this irritation, you begin to uncover that the wife nags a lot. Once this brilliant insight has been determined, you and the husband realize there is only one good solution to this problem! The wife needs to stop nagging! You see, using this line of thinking, if the wife discontinues her nagging, the husband won’t be irritated anymore, AND the husband can’t stop being irritated until the wife stops nagging, because let’s face it, I don’t care who you are, nagging is irritating! Thus, the only conclusion to this predicament, and the primary focus of treatment, becomes centered upon getting the wife to stop nagging! Right?! … WRONG! Why, because this type of limited understanding and incomplete treatment planning provides no context for the problems!
In order to understand the context, we’d need to dig a little deeper, and in order to dig deeper, we need to understand that all relational interactions happen within a loop. This loop is called circular causality, and until the circular nature of the symptoms are understood, efforts to create change are largely ineffective. So let’s take this a little further then. We know that the husband is irritated because the wife nags, but a quality therapist doesn’t stop there, the next order of business becomes understanding the nagging deeper, which uncovers the idea that the wife is often hurt and disappointed in the relationship. In attempting to understand this hurt, an effective couples counselor uncovers that the husband often avoids and neglects his relationship with his wife. And why does he do that? … there’s the loop!
Now what really separates a well-intentioned therapist from a great couples counselor is understanding what to do with this loop once it’s identified. The most common mistake that therapists make is relying too heavily upon this principle of first-order change, which is change that focuses mainly on the problematic behavior. It’s very easy to understand why so many fall into this trap… here’s why: Using our same couple as an example, we understand that the husband is irritated because the wife is nagging, and that the wife is nagging due to her own hurt that her husband is highly avoidant and disengaged in the relationship… which results in the wife constantly pursuing her husband to be more engaged and helpful in the relationship and in the home, which nagging produces irritation for the husband, leading to more avoidance, and so forth. What a vicious cycle. A logical way out seems fairly obvious… if instead of avoiding when the husband becomes irritated, we can get the husband to do something to contribute to his relationship, the wife will become less hurt, right?! Well, maybe… but probably not! And why?! Because do you know how long he has been avoiding in his relationship with his wife?! I mean the dishes were nice and all but come on, man, you think doing the dishes one day because your therapist told you to compensates for all of the loneliness and aloneness his wife has felt in the relationship?! I think not!
Now, at this point, well-intentioned therapists are attempting to jump in and defend what seems to be an unfair reception from the wife to the husband for his token efforts to break the vicious cycle they are stuck in. To do this, the well-intentioned therapist provides an assignment to the wife to nurture her husband this week: Whenever she feels like nagging, she is to do something to nurture her husband instead. The husband is also to continue his help with the dishes for his assignment. Now, certainly this behavioral shift of her nurturing and him helping will break the cycle, right?! Wrong! All too often the couple comes back to therapy more frustrated than ever, because the wife attempted to be pleasant several days last week when she would normally nag her husband, and while her husband seemed more pleasant, he did nothing to help around the house or carve out quality time for her; other than his assignment to do dishes. And when she noted this to her husband, he had the gall of stating that all he was good for was helping around the house, and she didn’t really care for him anyway. Both husband and wife return to their hurt and irritated ways, and round and round we go… Not only that, but the devastation of this pattern reeks additional havoc on the marriage, and the therapists’ efforts to help continue to foster a destructive pattern that leaves all involved with the notion that healing is hopeless, and the real issue must be incompatibility… that happiness and fulfillment for either is only a possibility upon the ending of their current relationship. This is a primary reason for the startling statistics of divorce, even when a high number of divorcees have participated in some form of marriage counseling.
But don’t give up hope, this issue often has less to do with compatibility and more to do with finding the right therapeutic service. You see, a quality relational therapist understands the concept of second-order change, which is a deeper focus of treatment. This change leans on the understanding that if a couple is to heal they must experience a change in their fundamental perceptions. So, back once more to our hurt and irritated couple. When treatment is conducted effectively, the husband begins to understand his wife’s needs differently, in a manner that he realizes his wife’s nagging has less to do with him never being enough and more to do with her own experience of being unimportant and insignificant to her husband… a concept that is fed by his neglect. Upon this realization, the husband may begin to feel empathy and apologize for his contribution to her pain. From this stance, the husband desires to be more actively involved in her life and around the home, feeling empowered by her desire for him and his love for her. In this manner, his wife begins to feel increasingly nurtured, which naturally motivates her praise and desire for her husband, creating a new pattern of interaction that begins to strengthen and nurture the relationship over time. That is the Renew difference.
At Renew Relationship Counseling, our goal is to provide your relationship the best chance for success. We specialize in relationship-focused services, and our mission is to help couples revive, revitalize and reclaim their relationships. In most cases healing is possible, and we are here to help. We look forward to serving you!
Author: Nevin G. Alderman, MA, CMHC
Renew Relationship Counseling - Specializing in Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Couples Therapy, Marriage Therapy, Pre Marriage Counseling, Relational Workshops and Retreats. Serving Utah County: Payson Utah, Salem Utah, Elk Ridge Utah, Spanish Fork Utah, Springville Utah, Mapleton Utah, Provo Utah, Orem Utah, American Fork Utah, Pleasant Grove Utah, Lehi Utah, Lindon Utah, Saratoga Springs Utah, Highland Utah, Alpine Utah.