Mundane can be SO FRUSTRATING!!! We’re sorry for the frustration. It's hard when you experience mundane lulls in a relationship, and things just don’t seem to have the same spark they used to. It is during these mundane times that communication begins to deteriorate and a couple begins to experience fulfillment droughts. Emotional and physical connection often become a bit more robotic and awkward, with both parties hesitantly stuttering in their efforts to reconnect with one another. Couples begin taking a read off of one another, make assumptions about each other's thoughts and feelings, and then calculate how to act dependent upon what they perceive their partner is feeling, wanting, thinking, etc. Vulnerability easily decreases, and couples find themselves feeling more and more distant in the relationship and insecure within themselves. One of the best things a person can do when they find themselves in a relational situation like this is to assertively reengage the best that they can. This means instead of making your actions dependent upon your perception of your partner’s state, decide what you would like and assertively take steps to make it happen. |
- DO: If you feel like talking with your partner, strike up a conversation about something interesting to you or something you are intrigued with about them. Ask questions assertively and be engaging. Help the conversation along in a manner enjoyable to you. Assertive efforts like this are often reciprocated in relationships, meaning your partner is likely to warm up and become conversationally engaging as well when you hang in there assertively.
- DON'T DO: Don’t feel things out with your partner and take a read on where (s)he is at emotionally or interest wise, and from there then decide to either not bring something up with them... or you hesitantly do bring something up with them that you then either a.) quickly feel rejected with, or b.) you quickly dismiss your attempts to talk when your partner seems hesitant or disengaged. This is a prime example of awkward, stutter-stepping. A passive/sensitive approach like this often makes it less likely you or your partner connect in a vulnerable way, and encourages greater distance over time.
- DO: If you feel like some physical connection, assertively initiate intimacy with your partner.
- DON'T DO: If you feel like some physical connection, observe your partner and see if (s)he's open to it, or bring it up and ask them if they’re in the mood, and then either be hesitant to initiate it or instead dismiss it if it doesn't seem (s)he would be interested or excited about it.
- DO: If you want to go for a walk, go for a walk and invite him/her to come with you. Tell your partner you're going for the walk and let them know you'll wait for them to come along if they’d like to go in the next little while. Grab his/her hand if you feel like holding your partner’s hand while you walk.
- DON'T DO: Try to guess and passively take a read on whether your partner seems if they would feel like going for a walk or not, and then either hesitantly and carefully bring it up or not based on your read of their mood and/or how busy (s)he seems like they are. If you do bring it up, displaying your indifference about the whole thing when you do and quickly dismissing the idea if they don’t seem interested or excited by it to protect your own vulnerability.
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